Three Conversations
By Dr Barton Goldsmith
How many times have you and a co-worker felt
like neither of you got what the other was saying? It is almost as
though the two of you were having different discussions. It amazes
me how differently two people can perceive a conversation, but the
truth is that this is a natural thing and we all do it.
When you are having a conversation, there are
three distinct dialogues going on at the same time: yours, the
other person’s, and the one that is really occurring. We
don't correctly hear what someone else is saying to us because we
have our own listening filters that sometimes edit out what the
other person is saying.
Perhaps we may have some strong emotions in
play or may be busy thinking about our response. Other times we can
be distracted by outside influences, like a busy office or internal
ones, like our previous histories, insecurities, or even how we are
feeling physically.
All of these things combined can create the
perfect conversational storm: a place where nobody feels heard and
both parties end up floundering in a sea of
misunderstanding.
If you'd like to still the waters and have calm
communication, start by realizing that you may not be as clear as
your team member needs you to be. Yes, I know that he or she has
equal responsibility here, but someone has to get things started,
so why not seize the opportunity and open up the
topic?
Begin the process by telling your co-worker
that you want this to be a win-win for the company. Then speak your
mind, but stop after each point and ask your team member what he or
she heard. It may seem a bit cumbersome, but by going slowly
through this process, you eliminate
misinterpretation.
As your co-worker responds, let him or her know
that you are hearing what’s being said. Extend the extra
effort to make sure that neither of you filters out important
points or blocks new ideas. This kind of open communication will
make for smooth sailing in your business relationship and your
company.
If your team member doesn't want to
participate, give him or her some time, and just use the techniques
yourself. Yes, it will be awkward, but most people learn best
through example. There are many people in the work force whose
communication breaks down on a regular basis, and somehow they
muddle through, at least temporally. If your co-worker continues to
stonewall you, it may be advisable for you to bring in a third
party to help facilitate the conversation.
Learning how to identify your filters and working to keep your conversations as clear as possible will never fail you. No matter how difficult the subject matter, dedicate yourselves to talking it through. At the very least, you will give your team members the best business tool possible: good communication.
