Dealing with Difficult Behavior
By John Ford
Conflict is inevitable in the workplace. However, that does not
mean that we cannot work to prevent unproductive behavior that
leads to conflict. Difficult behavior is a good example of an area
where a difference can be made. Although it is easy to label people
as difficult, the real focus should always be on the actual
behavior. Dealing effectively with difficult behavior is a skill
that can nip conflict in the bud.
Difficult behavior is essentially that which inhibits the
performance of others. Left alone it will get worse, affect more
people and continue to incur hidden costs for the organization in
which it occurs. Most difficult behavior is accidental, but it can
also be the result of intentional thought. Sometimes it is sporadic
and takes us by surprise. At other times it is ongoing and forms
patterns.
Difficult behavior takes many forms. It includes gossiping, going
over your bosses head, foot dragging, ignoring orders, refusing to
talk, being rude, yelling, ignoring, harassing, and much more.
At the core, most conflict is about needs that have not been
satisfied-not just physical needs, but also psychological and
procedural needs. Difficult behavior is often a result of
psychological needs for control, recognition, affection, and
respect.
In and of themselves there is nothing wrong with having these
needs. Problems arise in the satisfaction of these needs when
difficult behavior has been rewarded in the past. For example, if
people always listen when we interrupt we will continue to use this
as an effective strategy. We should try not to reward difficult
behavior. Beyond reinforcement, if we don’t have the
communication skills to let people know how we feel, or we loose it
when things get emotionally charged, then difficult behavior can be
expected.
It would be easy if there was some magical cure that could be
applied to all difficult behavior. The fact that there is no
panacea, does not mean that we are helpless and that there is
nothing to be done. Even so, one shouldn’t expect instant
results. Changing behavior takes tact and time.
The following ideas for dealing with difficult behavior are gleaned
from Robert Bacal’s book-The Complete Idiots Guide to Dealing
with Difficult Employees (CWL Publishing, 2000). Lets start with
ideas that don’t work: ignoring the problem behavior despite
its impact on performance, responding in kind, blaming rather than
problem solving, labeling the person as difficult and trying to
psychoanalyze.
If these are bad ideas what are things we can do that help?
1. Stay centered
When we loose our self-control and restraint the situation does not
improve. In fact it is more likely to get worse. Decisions made in
the heat of the moment are seldom the best, and lack the benefits
of our creativity. Our challenge is to slow down, and resist a knee
jerk reaction. Staying steady, stable and grounded gives us the
strong foundation we need to take on the most difficult
behavior.
When we indulge ourselves by taking it personally (forgetting that
offense is 10% given and 90% taken) we start playing negative
internal tapes in our head. We tell ourselves that the person is
bad, unreliable, beyond reason. The danger is that these labels
become self-fulfilling, and do not give any benefit of the doubt.
Rather than putting our energy into problem solving we feel smug
blaming the other. We forget that it takes two to make things
worse.
2. Reality check
An important question to consider as soon as possible is whether
the behavior is really causing performance problems. If it is not,
and left alone things will not get worse, then leaving things often
makes sense. As we reality check it is important to consider the
impact of the behavior on others and not just ourselves.
3. Focus on behavior
This is the key to dealing with difficult behavior. As tempting as
it is to focus on the person this should be avoided. By separating
the person from the behavior it enables one-to paraphrase Fisher,
Ury and Patton in their best seller “Getting to Yes”-to
be hard on the problem and soft on the person.
4. Listen
Listening is widely acknowledged as a core communication skill that
affects the ways we prevent and resolve conflict. When dealing with
people whose behavior is getting to us we should make a special
effort to hear the other person out. Even when you disagree! This
enables you to validate the psychological needs of the other, and
to let them know that you can imagine how they are feeling.
In addition to validation and empathy, asking open and closed
questions, rephrasing and summarizing, and using “I
Statements” are all key listening activities.
5. Give feedback
A common problem with difficult behavior is that the person is
unaware that his or her behavior is causing a problem. At other
times the extent of the impact is not comprehended. By giving
timely feedback about specific behavior misunderstanding can be
avoided and expectations clarified. A useful formula for giving
feedback that deals with both emotions and facts, is the
“I-Statement.” I feel frustrated when you interrupt me
at our team meetings. It breaks my train of thought and I struggle
getting started again. I would appreciate it if I could finish with
what I am saying.”
6. Use performance management techniques
This is an important preventative technique. A common format is the
yearly performance review. It should be used on an ongoing basis
and whenever expectations are not clear. The goal is to make sure
that responsibility is placed where it belongs. For example, with
naysayers it is crucial that responsibility for involvement be
returned.
Where there has been discussion about performance expectations, a
physical record that documents the fact of the meeting, the content
and any agreements should be generated.
This is a useful set of questions that can be used to guide an
effective discussion:
-
Where are we now?
-
Where do we need to be?
-
How will we get there?
-
What do you need to do?
-
How can I help?
7. Third parties
Difficult behavior can be intentional, aggressive, sustained and
extreme. When responsible talk does not work it make sense to seek
help. Start with Human Resource managers. Be prepared to give a
detailed briefing about the situation. In some situations the
support of senior management may be necessary.
Beyond internal line support, consider using mediation if you think
you and the other person can find a solution yourselves.
Arbitration may make sense if a solution to a particular problem is
needed quickly and you and the other person are struggling to
communicate.
8. Formal authority
As a general rule, it makes sense to use power only as a last
resort. When you use power you win and the other loses. More often
than not, resentment and alienation accompany this action.
Unacceptable behavior that does not change should be addressed as a
disciplinary matter. Ideally an organization will describe
behavioral expectations in a code, and specify how infractions will
be dealt with. It is possible to retain the right to terminate at
will while using a progressive disciplinary procedure. Following a
fair procedure can go a long way to defend a charge of
discrimination.
In addition to using the above techniques to prevent and resolve
difficult behavior, we should be mindful of things we can do to
limit the chances of being perceived as difficult ourselves.
Matching our actions with our words, and our words, with our tone
and body language is important. Incongruencies lead to suspicion
and mistrust. Consistent decision making and achievable promises
and commitments will also go a long way.
Conclusion
The reality is that we can all be difficult from time to time.
Dealing with difficult behavior is not easy and so we often
procrastinate. We do so at our own peril. Being proactive and
engaging the person in a conversation about their behavior is the
first step toward conflict prevention.
